Bah humbug bah bah bah. The Arts Council Project Fund results came out tonight and sadly the Arts Council computer said no.
I was periodically checking my phone all day today but the email did not arrive until after 7pm. Which turned out to be a very good thing as it left me enough time for moping without compromising my day. I had an active, inspiring, engaged day otherwise. Lots of creative energy, lots of hanging around with humans I admire and can learn from, interesting conversations and a new project coming together. At this particular point in my life I am really embodying various ‘roles’ that have very different places in the world pecking order. Junior, senior, newbie, returned oldie, facilitator, manager, supporter all came into the work I did today and it’s honestly wonderful to have all these at once. Rather than pigeon-hole myself as one or the other, it is currently a lot easier to see myself as the multi-dimensional person I am. Someone who is comfortable with some things, new at others and is consistently learning how to piece everything together to create a picture that makes sense. The more comfortable I get with this process, the less I identify with positions and titles and the more I see them as hats I wear for periods of time to serve a particular function.
Hats aside, I’m dedicating tonight to a little bit of moping. I’m often one to brush disappointments aside and see the positive sides of a situation (which I do anyway) but I’m also learning that I need some time to nurse my ego after a disappointment. I know that everything works out in the end and that one door closing leaves space for other, perhaps more important, more exciting spaces to be accessed and I really look forward to discovering them. Tonight though everything feels like a big hassle and I’m questioning funding applications, the idea of a jury deciding whether or not a project goes through, depending on public entities and whether I can actually, really, truly keep doing what I love doing long term. Tomorrow a new day will dawn, I’ll integrate all these questions and make something new out of the resulting soup.
