Experiments with enough – Day 4


The day started brilliantly. Yoga (I got to do the discipline practice session that I missed yesterday), breakfast and an incredibly luxurious hour walking, skipping and working out in the sun, a little bit of bouldering, a little mini exploration of an underground tunnel and finally a refreshing sea swim. I woke up with a stiff neck and I could literally feel my muscles release as I exercised. I relaxed, got some much needed vitamin sun and sea and felt like an entirely new person by the time I was showered and sitting down to work. I must admit I actually felt guilty going out in the morning. It took me months to get over the mindset that I should be in an office, working for all of the day and as soon as the opportunity crops up, my mind never fails to attempt going back to that. It still seems to be the fall-back mindset.

Biennale work was done from home today and it was great to be there, surrounded by organised chaos of my housemates cleaning and playing around with furniture configurations (approximately a bi-weekly practice in our crazy household) as I retreated to my corner with Noisli.com on my headphones to keep my concentration levels up. I got some good work done, took 15 minutes out to eat the lunch I prepared yesterday and walked to Floriana, once again with the famous pink backpack.

The four plus hours there were full-on but manageable as we went into projects, procedures, campaigns, photos, files etc etc etc trying to create a seamless handover process and make sure that nothing is forgotten during the changeover. It feels funny to be back temporarily. I share in the reality of my colleagues but I know that I am only doing this for another month or so, after which I will hand over my work to someone else. I (strangely) find this reality a source of motivation for getting things done without the attachment towards whether or not people like or agree with what I am doing. I am more open to being wrong, less worried about whether or not I have control over a job or just fulfil one tiny almost insignificant role in it.

Walking back at dusk I felt calm but strangely melancholic. The fixation with a new backpack has clearly not passed so I went to a few shops in Valletta in the hope of finding a suitable replacement. I found nothing I loved and proceeded to walk home and spend a good 2.5 hours completely absorbed into the Amazon.de backpack section. I got lost in trying to find a bag that looked good, was not likely made by children in a sweatshop and from a company with some environmental credentials. I opened a million tabs, closed them all and was no closer to choosing anything by the end of the process.

Despite being completely occupied during all of the day, I can really observe this sense of comparison edge in. Thoughts that my clothes are not quite working as well as I wanted, that I look tired, that I need to get this and that and the other, things I have technically ‘needed’ for months but lived very happily without. I have not yet found out why. I also feel very tired at the end of the day, probably because of the large volume of new information that I’m trying to take in as well as the generally long hours. I see the need to plan things like food shopping, cooking, cleaning, things I used to do spontaneously. I cannot even begin to imagine what life with a job and kids must feel like. My sincere admiration to all those who do.